Memorial Day

I'm starting a bit of a trend with depressing holidays. Let's hope this is the last one for a little while!

I just needed somewhere to sort of word vomit how I'm feeling today, and hopefully it will help me get it out and be fine. I've been having a small conversation about today with friends on facebook, but the conversation is so stilted and written in short answers, so naturally, I feel I can't say everything that needs to be said in a facebook status.

So, here I am. Memorial Day, and alone, and definitely feeling it. Judd has taken off on a road trip for two weeks, where he'll visit all sorts of neat locations and family and even meet up with a friend. First and foremost, I'm beyond happy for him and understand why he chose to go it alone when I could no longer go (had to stay behind for work. Just got a new job which I LOVE and do not want to lose. I can road trip at a later time, no worries).

So, he took off yesterday. He's been calling me, not to report to me, but to share with me fun or interesting things he had the chance to see, and just to keep me involved. I know he wishes I could have gone, and I'm not worried or feeling overly left out of the things he's doing. I don't feel neglected and left behind. My worry comes from an entirely different place.

As most of my friends know, I lost my Grandmother (or as I called her, Mamaw) on December 9th of this past year. I lost my Mama the following day, not even a full 24 hours later. All of this came after a chunk of hospital time for one of my best friends, who I was entirely too scared to lose (and didn't, thank God), and was followed by the passing of a childhood friend on New Year's Day. Then, my own father was hospitalized with pneumonia and I officially went into overdrive in the worry/fear department.

Long story short, and without all of the sadness spelled out in great detail for you, I've had a tough time with surprises, loss, near loss, and unexpected tragedy.

An example of what I've found myself doing since these events played out: My sister came to visit me for a week. When her plane was a bit delayed (but I had no idea at the time), I frantically called her husband to find out if anything had happened, if she'd been delayed, if he'd heard from her. My mind went berserk with "what if" scenarios. It ended up that her connection flight had been delayed and she simply hadn't even had the chance to power up her phone and let me know. My mind was out of control before I even realized it, yet I caught myself sort of doing the same thing when she flew home. I knew when she was supposed to land, and when I didn't hear from her by about two hours later, I was in a full on internal panic. Maybe it sounds silly, or maybe it makes sense. I've just experienced a lot of pain and I have read about cases where people, even if it's done unintentionally, expect "the worst" at times because they've been through very difficult times. I'm a textbook case of this, apparently. I wish I had the reigns on it, but I simply don't yet.

I did the same thing when my dad had his kidney transplant. Yes, he made it through his pneumonia, then on Mother's Day (of all days! He lost his mother and wife within 24 hours of each other right before Christmas), he got the call that we'd all been wanting for years. He had a kidney waiting for him. Another summary for you: He had a very successful transplant, and is now home recuperating.

Yet, after such a positive event was born from months of tragic sadness, I still found myself scared and nervous and worrying over it. For his first week home, I called him on what was almost a set schedule. Mornings, afternoons, evenings. I had to make sure he was doing okay and probably went above and beyond to do so. I have since relaxed because I know that he's a grown man and knows how to take care of himself, but naturally, the fear of anything happening to him can result in me calling to check in as if he were my child, not my father. I'm still trying to understand myself on that matter, lol.

So, now that you've had a few examples of how I've been, we'll discuss Judd's road trip again. As I said before, I'm happy he gets to go and have this experience, and sure, I wish I could have gone, but I get to stay and work and take care of the cats and watch the apartment. That will all work out and he'll be home before I know it, but the "what if's" tend to haunt me a little. Naturally, Judd means the world to me. We're going on 7 years together, he's one of my best friends, if not my absolute best friend in the world. I know he's an adult and can handle himself, and he's probably worried about me being home alone without him. I just think with everything I've been through, I'm beyond overprotective and concerned for my loved ones.

Judd is road tripping and living out of his truck, and camping out in it and I'm not there through the nights to keep him company, or even make sure he gets a full night's sleep. Sure, these are things he can do without, but from my point of view, I just worry. I'm more worried about him camping in the truck than I am about me being home alone. I have rarely considered the "what if's" in my own scenario, lol. That's just the type of person I am. I put everybody else before myself. But sometimes, I just let my mind take over, and that's what I did all last night. I barely slept, and the first thing I did at 8 am was text Judd to find out how everything went. He immediately called me back and everything was fine. It'll just take me a few days to get a grip, I suppose. I have since chilled out on my father, so I know this will pass too.

I guess it's just nice to have a place to say it outside of facebook. My short, stilted answers were probably making friends think that I was some overly possessive girlfriend who wanted Judd to check in hourly and report to me every little thing he was doing, which is absolutely NOT the case. A friend suggested that I needed to have faith in Judd, and that's just the thing. I DO. I have so much faith in him and love him so much, so naturally, I worry for his well being and miss him terribly and will for the next two weeks. It was never an issue of trusting him or having faith in him.

My obstacle is fighting off the negative thoughts and scenarios that, unfortunately, come with losing loved ones. That's the power of grieving for you. The grieving I am doing for lost ones definitely has an effect on everything else I do or feel, to such an extent that I find myself imagining the worst before I can see things clearly or even in an optimistic manner.

I think it's safe to say that Judd will be home before I know it, and until then, I can only look forward to those phone calls and help him enjoy his trip. As soon as he meets up with his friend and family, then I know that will help me tremendously as well, lol.

I can literally only take things one day at a time still. It's a good thing that I already feel that's the best way to handle things anyway. :)